What on earth is this weather doing? I find myself loving life wrapped in my sherpa throw with a gingerbread chai latté (not quite the cliché PSL but still sounds quite pretentious…). Next minute I’m tearing layers off, opening the windows and downing cold water. I’ve also had the most awful pressure headache for the past week due to the horrid humidity. I’d really appreciate the temperature staying in the teens now, I am truly done with Summer.
Todays post is essentially going to be a bit of a diary entry. Just me having a bit of a chat about my journey with body confidence and dealing with others opinions. It’s something I’ve always wanted to talk about on here but part of me felt as if I had to be this incredibly confident, “bearing all” kind of person to be able to encourage loving yourself. I felt like I had to be 110% happy with myself and my appearance at all times to not be a hypocrite in offering advice on it. There’s also the issue of being called vain and conceited if you openly admit that you love yourself and the way you look.
On closer inspection and talking with people, I genuinely don’t think there is one person on this earth who thinks they look good all the time. There isn’t one person who is 110% confident in how they look, everything they do etc. If there was, we’d also all probably end up hating them out of jealousy. How great would it be to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and think “wow”!? Or walk into every job interview thinking you were the bees knees and about to be hired. Or that every single item of clothing looked incredible on you (although not so great on the bank balance).
I say all this, there is a huge difference between confidence and cockiness but an oh so fine line between the two. For me, confidence is brilliant, it’s so beautiful to see someone so happy in their own skin. However, someone being cocky and looking down on you is not a nice feeling, at all. Especially when the vibe you’re getting is that it’s because of something to do with physical appearance.
I’ve been a bit chunkier than the majority of girls surrounding me for as long as I can remember. I was always the fatter friend at school and I always felt like the ugly friend because of it. Everyone is so crazy about boys around that age too and I didn’t have any sort of proper experience with them until I was 17. I never really liked alcohol so I would always be the person at house parties taking photos, helping the paralytic teens into their bewildered parents cars and consoling random girls crying about god knows what. Liquid confidence was not a thing for me.
It’s such a horrible thing being unable to shake the feeling that everyone around you is superior, really trying and longing to love yourself. When you feel a heavy lack of confidence about your appearance, it really affects how you feel about yourself as a whole. I will admit, when I was in a really horrible place with my appearance and myself, seeing other people so comfortable made me sad. Wearing whatever they wanted and owning it, bagging incredible opportunities, progressing so well in life and just being happy. Something I noticed was that confident and happy people were so much more attractive for that reason, too. I truly do believe the whole “fake it ’til you make it” mentality works.
Fast forward to 22 year old Alice and I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever been more content with the way that I look. The thing is that I don’t really know why because my illness makes me look bloated all the time, my medication redistributes weight to my face and stomach and I currently probably wear makeup twice a week at the very most. I think the main reason is that I’ve come accustomed to being so judged for things out of my control during my struggles with my illness over the past year. Because of this, I’ve just kind of stopped caring about what anyone thinks of me and what I look like/what I’m doing with my life. It’s my choice and if they don’t like it, they know where the door is.
It’s quite ironic writing those sentences as I think a lot of the reason I got unwell in the first place was because I was constantly anxious about absolutely everything regarding others opinions. Being so burdened with worry of what others think of me led to being really depressed, too. Don’t get me wrong, my anxiety still very much has a hold over me and I’m a worrier by nature but I feel so much more free. For the first time in my life I’ve actually managed to cut people out who made me feel bad about myself or who only kept in contact to benefit or talk about themselves.
So here’s me, proudly rocking a size 16 outfit from Pink Clove who kindly gifted me these items. Pink Clove specialise in clothes for curvier ladies from sizes 16 – 28 and have some incredibly stylish and beautiful pieces on their site. I absolutely love these photos and how this outfit flatters my figure and I’m not afraid to say it! I’m baffled that I felt comfortable enough to leave the house in a mini skirt with no tights on, let alone actually feel confident.
Both the animal print wrap front bodysuit and the denim mini skirt retail at a brilliant £18 each on the Pink Clove site. I think it’s an absolute bargain considering the quality of them and the fact that sometimes I feel clothing brands for larger ladies take advantage and hike their prices right up. If you’re an inbetweeny or larger lady, give the Pink Clove site a visit, I guarantee you’ll find something you adore! The black boots are also from Bershka and these photos were taken by the fabulous Rebeca Elen. Please give her a follow/like on her socials here: Blog / Facebook / Instagram.
I’m due surgery in just under 3 weeks and am likely to be living with a stoma bag for the rest of my life afterwards. I’m feeling scared because I’ve only just got to this place with myself and my body where I feel happy and now it’s all going to completely change again. It’s so nice to finally feel a little lighter and not like I’m carrying so much self hate with me all the time. But on the plus side, I will hopefully no longer be in constant pain after surgery. It’s going to be such a long and huge adjustment process but lets hope it’s for the greater good!
Thanks for reading my little ramble and be sure to give Pink Clove a browse. Do you struggle a lot with your body and self confidence?