I had to begin with one of my favourite quotes ever. The fact that everything is temporary is something that has helped me incredible amounts over the past few months. I’ve had to battle through a lot of pain and uncertainty but knowing that one day it would be either less prevalent or no more is what’s really helped. It also makes you think about the fact that all the fabulous things will come to an end, too which makes you feel more grateful and cherish them whilst they’re happening.
I’m the worst for this. Not so much the competition part (unless we’re playing Articulate), but the race part I am terrible for getting down about. I get sad about being 22 and not fully knowing what I want to do with my life or having a clear road to my dream career, whatever that is. I get sad about not being close to moving in with my boyfriend despite us being together over 5 years. I get sad that I’ve been severely unwell for almost 2 years and undergone major surgery making all of these things near impossible to do but for some reason I STILL punish myself for not being at the point I wanted to be at my age.
But that’s what I do need to remember, is that I never knew I was going to have these limitations or hardships. I never knew I was going to spend the majority of my life as a minority with a missing piece and my body now working differently. And I need to be proud of the things I’ve achieved despite my horrible luck and difficult circumstances. I haven’t led down and died, I’ve actually fought harder than I ever thought I could.
I don’t want to make excuses as to why I haven’t done something, I want to say I’ve actually done it. Even if it goes wrong or doesn’t end up with the outcome I thought it would. Anxiety is the best at making you think of the worst possible outcome, in turn making you terrified and dismissing something completely. I don’t want to let it win anymore as I really do feel like I could’ve been a whole different person and be living a much better life if it didn’t eat away at me which brings me on to my next point nicely –
My anxiety and lack of self-love has held me back a hell of a lot in my life. They are the things that have created these barriers in my head that seem stupid to a lot of other people. We all have our demons, though. I’ve got to say, when conquering a big fear, despite it being terrifying I usually feel incredible afterwards. Combatting my anxiety is something I’m going to be actively trying to do in 2019 aswell as trying so hard to give myself the love and praise I deserve. This will include a lot of stepping out of my comfort zone and I’m excited but pretty petrified.
The amount of times I’ve agreed to and attended things that I really haven’t wanted to for all sorts of reasons is probably quite ridiculous. Ill health is one of the main ones as of recent, I remember when my IBD was at an all time low and I was flaring so badly that all I could stomach was cup-a-soup, eating anything solid would put me in completely unmanageable pain. I had literally no energy, was on strong painkillers (that were barely working) and still forced myself to attend a press event. I don’t even know why because it gained me nothing other than a tote bag and some free teabags, I could barely talk to network and found even standing up a challenge.
I will not be doing this anymore, my health is still honestly kicking my ass and despite being invited to a few, I haven’t attended any proper events to do with my blog since September as I just don’t currently have the stability physically or mentally to be putting myself out there currently. But that’s fine, I have a lot of connections and friends in the blogging world and even if I didn’t, my health and wellbeing needs to be my priority. That goes for any sort of event, with friends, family, musical opportunities etc. I will only be saying yes if 1) I actually want to go and 2) I am well enough. The most valuable thing you can spend is your time so spend wisely.
I’m one of those people who will randomly remember a mistake I made when I was 14 and let it keep me up all night. I’m awful at dealing with feelings of guilt which is actually pretty silly as I’m a massively forgiving person until it comes to myself. What I need to remember is that it’s really important to make mistakes to learn aswell as vital for shaping myself into the kind of person I want to be. If I don’t know how it feels to make a certain decision, then I’m not going to know why I should/shouldn’t make it again. I’m a good person and no one is perfect.
I’ve always been taught to be grateful. I’m sure I’ve mentioned it in a post before but my mum always tells us to list three things every day that we are grateful for, no matter how big or small. I want to be more grateful for talents I possess too and put more work into them as greatness is earned and not given. Last year I started listing three things before bed that I was grateful for or that went well in my day. I eventually started forgetting to do it but I will be continuing to do this so even if my year isn’t too fabulous, I can look back and see the small things that made me happy day by day on New Years Eve next year and be grateful for that.
I’ve experienced my fair share of bullying and the worst kind is when you muster up the courage to speak up about something and have the bully play the victim and show that they can be more manipulative and fake than you’d ever thought. I can’t say that I have any advice to combat this as it can literally happen at any age and any stage in life and it doesn’t get any easier. The thing I can say is what goes around comes around. The majority of the time that person is actually threatened by you and feasts on your vulnerability, the stronger you present yourself (even if you’re bricking it on the inside), the more likely they are to retreat. The people you hold in power or authority are going to be the ones who’s opinions of yourself you value and care about – I won’t be allowing selfish and cunning people to hold any power over me. Don’t lose sleep over the opinions of sheep, as they say.
Any OG You Me At Six fans reading this? For anyone who doesn’t know, You Me At Six are a pop-rock/pop-punk band. I was OBSESSED with them as a teenager. I met them (and cried), travelled far and wide to see them live, I had two entire walls in my bedroom covered in posters of just them. The rest was Paramore, Oli Sykes and various other tattooed people and bands. But anyway, this quote features in a few of their songs and the lead singer, Josh, had his own clothing company with this as the name.
Although it is no more, I still have a denim jacket from it that says it clearly on the back. This quote came back to me recently as it’s encouraging. Just because I feel as If I’m currently down in life, doesn’t mean I always will be, it doesn’t mean I’m out of the game or have been defeated. Or that I’m an underdog, ha, sorry. For sure one of my favourite quotes, though.
What a quote to end on – and extremely relevant, too. I feel like a completely different person than I was two years ago, specifically 2018 was just absolutely shocking. My struggles will not beat me though, as much as I feel sometimes they might or I actually want them to. They’ve made me a hell of a lot stronger, more appreciative and more understanding. If I had a choice, I would of course not want my illness and not have had to make the choices I’ve had to at my age but I am thankful for what it’s taught me.
What quotes will you be trying to incorporate more into the way you live your life this year?